Monday, February 21, 2011

too deep is the well

It clearly has been a while since the last post, my friend.  I have been so sick.  There have been more than a few times that I find myself weeping from fear of what is wrong or from despair that I can't take it anymore.  I have missed so much work.  We are having difficulties in some important areas. 
Here's the kicker...I think that some of my residual problems, while began as physical and still are, something seems psychosomatic.  I have started having anxiety stronger than I have ever had.  It seems to only abate when Rob is sitting right next to me too.  This is how I have come to the finding.  I am not certain what to do with this information.  The problem with somatoform disorders is that you still have to handle to effects when they occur.  It can be overwhelming.  A word I am no stranger to. 

Friend, do not take this information too heavily.  I say these things to attempt to process.  Certainly not to weigh you down.  I still smile, you know. :)  And I still believe in hope. 

I turn 34 this week. 

I quit smoking yesterday.  I now vape on an E-cigarette.  It's my birthday gift to me and my three boys.  May I show myself the strength I possess and never again hold a cigarette. 

Here's to a healthy 34.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

On weight loss and love...

So, today was a bit of a difficult day all around.  From what I can tell, it seems to be going around! I blame chemtrails.
I got my first gift from Robbie.  My cute toes are painted black with pale pink hearts.  Then my oldest son brought me a box of chocolates and asked me to be his valentine.  How very sweet! 
I was talking to Rob in the car today about weight loss and love.  On weight, I expressed to him how trapped I feel in this body of fat.  I know that I have made choices that consume my time and energy, but I really want to be "me" again and "me" is buried inside this cocoon.  He is gonna help me with my caloric intake.  I am endeavoring to try going to the gym in the mornings before work.  It really is the only time I have, and honestly I don't sleep that well anyway, so I might as well commit one hour of it to something that may actually help me sleep better and hopefully alleviate some of the pain from my Fibromyalgia. 
On love, I was telling him of a woman that said something very kind to me lately.  It wasn't the nature of the comment as much as the heart behind it, which I could feel.  I have known this lady for several years, but we have never been talking buddies.  What she said, though, made me realize that she loves me; even though she's never around me.  It was a rare and wonderful experience.  I think most of us have people like this in our lives and we just forget to remember them.  In that moment, I felt appreciated for all my faults and strengths as one and didn't feel I had to be anything but me.  It was a humbling and uplifting moment indeed. 

:)

Friday, February 11, 2011

In need of an Umbrella.

Today I wrote another paper for school that I feel had no real bearing on my education.  It happens. 
I encountered a problem today that I was not ready for.  Do you know how people always say, "When it rains, it pours!"?  Well, Rob told me one time that the biblical meaning for rain is actually a good thing.  Rain brings life and washes away death, or something like that.  In that case, I really need it to rain again.  I am in the middle of some powerful decisions.  I have to find and be approved for my practicum site.  I have not even begun to apply for one.  It is inevitable, and yet it scares me.  Rob says I tend to live my life one apprehension to the next.  I am not sure why I do this, but I see his point.  Looking forward, I see the end in sight at my current job.  It is not possible to work there and complete my next stage in education.  The scary part, though, is that it will mean a complete loss of my income for at least four to six months.  I don't need to tell you that is a long time.  So, instead I keep dragging my feet and chewing my lip. 
On the upside, I am now able to drink diet pepsi and enjoy it.  If only that meant I was losing some of this fleshly baggage! 
:)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

beginning....

It has been a while since I have written a post.  I am not sure why I decided to do so now.  My life is anything but accomodating.  Nonetheless, I write to bare my soul. 
Souls need baring.  Do you know what I mean?  Sometimes, or for me, often, things build up in the soul and it can't take on any more.  In my life, my oldest son Rusty (7) is the focus of all my worry, fear, struggle, and helplessness.  That might sound drastic to you, but I am telling you what I feel.  He is only seven and doesn't like himself, thinks he is not good at anything, cries almost constantly, argues as a second language, and has a level of anger that is not easily rivaled.  However, he is also a kindhearted nurturer, a lover of justice, crazy intelligent, and full of life.  I am broken down daily at the amount of negativity he has toward life and himself though.  It wears me out.  It is also something I am seeing his younger brother Riley (2) begin to model.  I have exhausted every effort available to me.  I constantly try to remind myself of how his emotional problems are nothing compared to mothers of children with severe physical ones, but the truth of the matter is... no problem is easy when it is one of your children who suffer.  And he suffers.  My heart breaks and I get so dumbfounded.  I would do anything.  I am doing everything.  I seem to be helping him none. 
So, until I post again, thanks for taking time to let me vent.  I needed it.